CHUCK NORRIS ONCE ORDERED A BIG MAC AT BURGER KING…AND GOT ONE.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just never his own.

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There are no such things as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

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Filming on location for “Walker: Texas Ranger”, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the little creature sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.

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Chuck Norris was the fourth wiseman.  He brought baby Jesus the gift
of “beard”.  Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day.  The other
wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influences to have Chuck omitted from the Bible.  Shortly
after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

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Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one.  He walked
to a vacant lot and just sat there.  Sure enough, within 90 minutes
someone constructed a bar around him.  He then ordered a shot, drank
it, and then burned the place to the ground.  Chuck Norris yelled over
the roar of the flames, ” Always leave things the way you found ‘em!”

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Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and then shits them
out transformed into a robot.

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Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, NOT the box jellyfish of
Northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on Earth.  Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms:  fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans,
and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

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They once invented Chuck Norris toilet paper but it wouldn’t take shit
from anyone.

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Chuck Norris doesn’t use spell check.  If he happens to misspell a
word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

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Scientists in Washington have recently concluded that, if there were a
nuclear war,
all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

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There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit.  On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the
earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a
temperature of 3000 degrees.  An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it
was a meteor and still owes Chuck a beer.

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Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s simply by writing Chuck
Norris for every answer.

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Aliens do exist.  They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before
they attack.

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Chuck Norris once ate three 72oz. steaks in one hour.  He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

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Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.  He then shouted, “HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS?!”  and ripped out her
throat.  Holding his ex-girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand, he
bellowed,” DON’T FUCK WITH CHUCK!!”
Two years and five months later, he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius
of the blast went deaf.

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Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.  Its descendants today are known as giraffes.

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Ghosts sit around the campfire telling Chuck Norris stories.

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Chuck Norris actually died 20 years ago, but Death is afraid to tell him.

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Chuck Norris once pissed in a semi-truck`s gas tank as a joke.  That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

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Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room.  The bear isn`t dead.  It`s just afraid to move.

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(the author of these jokes can no longer be found anywhere.  It is believed that he has been terminated…..by Chuck Norris)

 

 

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